needy

let me start by saying i have some very strong role models in my life. 

especially the women.

i have a mom who has battled everything from abuse, divorce, 

single-motherdom, break ups, frenemies 

and an awful life threatening battle of leukemia.  

She prevailed a stronger, better person every. single. time.

I have a grandma who is the patron saint of grandmas.  

the older i get the more i realize how similar Shirley and I really are.  

The bads and the goods, you can attribute my qualities to that woman. 

She, too, has fought life's hardships with the courage and grace 

that only a southern woman has.

both of these women have been instrumental in teaching me to be a strong woman. 

while they are both equally happy and in love with their husbands, 

neither of them have ever relied on a man for validation, support, happiness, etc.  

because of them, i was never the girl who left the other girls for a boy. 

i have never needed a guy to support me emotionally or financially. 

i am a firm believer in being independent enough to handle life on your own 

if something were to happen to your spouse. 

im all for being a stay at home mom/housewife 

(in fact, i'm secretly jealous of these women) 

but only if you have an identity other than being a stay at home mom/housewife. 

i say all of these things so that we can all come to the conclusion that 

i do not need a man. 

so imagine my surprise today when i spent my entire afternoon 

sobbing my eyes on on my back porch. 

what sparked this emotional break down? 

my boyfriend left. (two days together in three months is just.not.enough.) 

and then when i caught myself crying about being without him 

i cried because i never thought i would be this type of person. 

the type who cries because her boyfriend leaves. 

so i walked in my kitchen to get a nice cold glass of 

the only thing that helps me feel better about pretty much anything, 

a diet coke of course. 

and i couldnt get the two liter open. 

literally, it was sealed shut. 

charles was the last to pour out of this bottle and 

i guess his ginormous hands closed it a little too tight for my midget paws. 

so then i cried because i needed him here to open the bottle. 

so, there it is. 

i do need a man sometimes.

being in a long distance relationship never gets easier. 

as in not at all. in fact, it gets harder as time goes by. 

I will never forget the pain that i felt leaving Charles 

after the first weekend we spent together as a couple. 

pretty positive i cried 3 hours out of the 6 hour drive back to atlanta. 

i bawled to everyone who would listen to me 

about how difficult it was leaving the person i was so deeply in love with. 

everyone kept saying i will get used to it and it gets better. 

then my best friend from childhood (also in a LDR) said 

"dont listen to those people who say youll get used to it and it gets better. 

you never get used to it and it never gets better". 

Thanks, Tiff, for always being brutally honest. 

but she was right. im so not used to it. 

im not used to the fact that the left side of my bed is empty.

(or right, whichever way you look at it.)(it doesnt really matter what side it is) 

i havent come to terms with being apart for another 6 weeks yet. 

it still bothers me that all of my friends see their boyfriends 

more times in a week than i see mine in 7 months. 

does no one else think its sad that my parents spend afternoons/dinner 

with charles on the reg and i dont get to do that? 

and lets not even talk about how if it werent for the awkward selfies we send each other 

i would forget what he looks like.

i guess what im trying to say is that i finally figured out 

that its ok to need someone in your life. 

not need as in "i'll die without you" but need as in "i dont want to live without you".  

its ok that someone makes me happy,

as long as its happier than the happy i am without that someone. 

and its really hard when the person who makes you happier 

leaves you for six weeks and makes you really sad. 

i just want a glass of diet coke, damnit.