needy

let me start by saying i have some very strong role models in my life. 

especially the women.

i have a mom who has battled everything from abuse, divorce, 

single-motherdom, break ups, frenemies 

and an awful life threatening battle of leukemia.  

She prevailed a stronger, better person every. single. time.

I have a grandma who is the patron saint of grandmas.  

the older i get the more i realize how similar Shirley and I really are.  

The bads and the goods, you can attribute my qualities to that woman. 

She, too, has fought life's hardships with the courage and grace 

that only a southern woman has.

both of these women have been instrumental in teaching me to be a strong woman. 

while they are both equally happy and in love with their husbands, 

neither of them have ever relied on a man for validation, support, happiness, etc.  

because of them, i was never the girl who left the other girls for a boy. 

i have never needed a guy to support me emotionally or financially. 

i am a firm believer in being independent enough to handle life on your own 

if something were to happen to your spouse. 

im all for being a stay at home mom/housewife 

(in fact, i'm secretly jealous of these women) 

but only if you have an identity other than being a stay at home mom/housewife. 

i say all of these things so that we can all come to the conclusion that 

i do not need a man. 

so imagine my surprise today when i spent my entire afternoon 

sobbing my eyes on on my back porch. 

what sparked this emotional break down? 

my boyfriend left. (two days together in three months is just.not.enough.) 

and then when i caught myself crying about being without him 

i cried because i never thought i would be this type of person. 

the type who cries because her boyfriend leaves. 

so i walked in my kitchen to get a nice cold glass of 

the only thing that helps me feel better about pretty much anything, 

a diet coke of course. 

and i couldnt get the two liter open. 

literally, it was sealed shut. 

charles was the last to pour out of this bottle and 

i guess his ginormous hands closed it a little too tight for my midget paws. 

so then i cried because i needed him here to open the bottle. 

so, there it is. 

i do need a man sometimes.

being in a long distance relationship never gets easier. 

as in not at all. in fact, it gets harder as time goes by. 

I will never forget the pain that i felt leaving Charles 

after the first weekend we spent together as a couple. 

pretty positive i cried 3 hours out of the 6 hour drive back to atlanta. 

i bawled to everyone who would listen to me 

about how difficult it was leaving the person i was so deeply in love with. 

everyone kept saying i will get used to it and it gets better. 

then my best friend from childhood (also in a LDR) said 

"dont listen to those people who say youll get used to it and it gets better. 

you never get used to it and it never gets better". 

Thanks, Tiff, for always being brutally honest. 

but she was right. im so not used to it. 

im not used to the fact that the left side of my bed is empty.

(or right, whichever way you look at it.)(it doesnt really matter what side it is) 

i havent come to terms with being apart for another 6 weeks yet. 

it still bothers me that all of my friends see their boyfriends 

more times in a week than i see mine in 7 months. 

does no one else think its sad that my parents spend afternoons/dinner 

with charles on the reg and i dont get to do that? 

and lets not even talk about how if it werent for the awkward selfies we send each other 

i would forget what he looks like.

i guess what im trying to say is that i finally figured out 

that its ok to need someone in your life. 

not need as in "i'll die without you" but need as in "i dont want to live without you".  

its ok that someone makes me happy,

as long as its happier than the happy i am without that someone. 

and its really hard when the person who makes you happier 

leaves you for six weeks and makes you really sad. 

i just want a glass of diet coke, damnit.

welcome

what a year! with a fabulous celebration to end a wonderful 2013, it is time to set my goals for 2014. I decided on 14, it just seemed appropriate. so here it goes, my 14 for '14

1.take more (real) photos. with a camera. and print them out. 

 2.save photos from facebook. my entire college career is documented on facebook and with the hopes of deleting it one day soon (way too much TMI and drama for my liking) I want to save these memories. one of my biggest fears in life is facebook going away and me losing all of my precious things. remember when you were a kid and youd sit on the floor digging through your moms trunk of all of her old stuff? what are we going to do with our kids one day? flip through with the click of a mouse? no thanks. 

 3.be more patient. with everything in my life! i am constantly rushing things: engagements, marriage, babies, promotions, birthdays, etc. Charles will agree with me when i say i need to take a chill pill and enjoy this time in my life. there will be a day that i wont be someones girlfriend anymore. i will be a wife, mother, grandmother and i will never have the privilidge of just dating someone. likewise, one day i will be a big boss with lots of responsibilities, why am i rushing to get to that point? i need to just slow down and take advantage of the fact that its not all under me quite yet. 

 4.save money. with 5 weddings in 2014 (4 being in october) I have a lot of saving to do. not to mention, i am a bridesmaid in 3 of the 5. damnit. im starting to use the envelope system, we'll see how well this works. my goal is to be able to save enough money to not have to charge any expenses. my credit cards are so close to being paid off, and i dont want to build them back up! 

 5.speaking of being a bridesmaid: i'm determined to get what i like to call "bridesmaid arms". you know, the ones that people are envious of. the ones that dont wave goodbye while your hand waves goodbye. the ones that look great in all of those strapless dresses while everyone stares at your arms by your side as you walk down an aisle. yep, those. 

 6.organize/downsize. there is no need for the amount of clothes that i have. especially when i havent worn 35% of them in over 2 years. its time to get rid of them, and hopefully by selling them i will contribute to #4 

 7.spend more time praying. in the good as well as the bad. i am notorious for talking to God only when i need something. If one of my friends treated me this way I would have already written a blog post about how crappy of a friend she was. whats the difference in my friendship with God? nothing. 

 8.do more myself. sounds weird, but in an age where you can buy any/everything on the internet or in a specialized store i rarely make things anymore. why am i spending $4.99 on a card from target when i could make one myself and it be cuter than a store bought one anyhow? why do i continue to buy things for my house that i can make on my own, or birthday presents that would mean more if they were handmade? why am i eating out so much when i am perfectly capable of making myself a meal. albeit, it may not be a great meal, but it would be sufficient enough to allow me not to starve to death. 

9.on that note, i want to learn to cook. for real. santa brought me a kitchenaid stand mixer and i am beyond thrilled. i originally wanted it because it looks gorgeous on a kitchen counter (as seen on every kitchen pinterest pin ever); now that i have it, though, i want to learn to use it! and not just for baking box cake mixes, but for real life meals. homemade pastas, from scratch cookies, and some of my grandmothers famous cakes. i also just bought a cast iron skillet, and i will master the art of homemade cornbread soon. 

 10.keep a journal. specifically a travel journal. I want to document the trips Charles and I take, big or small, day trips or weekend, i want to be able to reflect on those times when we're old and grey. i want one that has pockets for ticket stubs and pictures, pages for writing about our visit and of course looks cute. ive been searching for the perfect one on etsy, but maybe i should get started on #8 and make one myself! 

 11.learn to say no. not to be mean or for no reason, but i dont HAVE to go out to dinner for every person in atlanta's birthday. i dont have to go on every trip that im extended an offer. i dont have to take on every responsiblity at work. i dont have to over-commit my time with ADPi. i dont have to accept every invitation to be a bridesmaid. I don't have to attend every wedding that i'm invited to, or every shower or every bachelorette party. if someone asks a favor of me, i dont have to go out of my way, bend over backwards and rearrange my schedule to do it. don't get me wrong, i love being a generous person and a good friend but sometimes its too much. i need to do things for me, including spending time alone and saving money. 

 12.call my grandparents more. those people, they are two of the greatest. i need to make it a point to call them more often and tell them how much i love them. i hope they know, but i guarantee it wouldn't hurt to verbalize it. there will come a day that they aren't here for me to tell, and i will forever regret not repeating it over and over and over. 

 13.travel! with my parent's recent move to London complete (just waiting on them to settle in) i WILL go and see them this year. i have never been to Europe, and I can't wait to visit. but not just London, i want to see the states more too. there are so many places, even in just the south east, that i haven't visited. i cant wait to see where 2014 brings Charles and I on our weekend trips. i'll be sure to take photos (#1) and write it all down (#10). 

 14.find my purpose. my biggest goal in 2013 was to find passion in my life. i'd like to say i succeeded on some level; i learned to be passionate about a job that i dreaded, i found passion in my love life by (finally) committing to be with my very best friend, i started enjoying interior design and making it a paying hobby, i became even more involved with ADPi, and many other things. But in 2014 i want to continue that quest, only take it one step further and find my purpose in life. I want to know why God put me on this earth. was it to be a master chef? ( i highly doubt it). Was it to be a big time successful banker? (i really hope thats not it). To be a wife? (possibly, but i think there is more to me than just being someones companion). So what is it? That's what i want to figure out. 

and hopefully 2014 will be the year that i do so. 

 so cheers to 2013, a really great year in my life. and hellllo 2014, i hope you are 10x more amazing.

youll understand when youre older

remember when you were a kid and your mom said 

"youll understand when youre older"

remember how much you hated it?

remember how many times you told yourself 

"ill never tell my kids that"

remember that time we grew up and became the elusive "older" 

that your mom spoke about?

yea? me too.

remember when that same mom wouldnt let you 

do something you just had to do?

remember that time you laid on the floor pitching a fit 

screaming "you dont understand!!!!!!" 

(no? just me? ok. cool)

remember the moment you realized your mom did understand, 

and you apologized to her? 

(this probably didnt happen until at least the age of 23) 

(you may not have ever verbalized the apology) 

(mom, here i am finally apologizing)

heres my point. i dont care if youre older, in a position of power, out of work, 

pregnant, a mom of 5, dealing with infertility,

married, divorced, in a relationship or single; 

none of these life stages gave you a key to a whole new book of knowledge 

that no one else in the world has besides those who have 

been through exactly what you have.  

One of my least favorite things is when 

someone tells me i dont understand, 

or i'll understand when (insert specific stage of life here). 

no, i do understand. i am capable of understanding, 

we just have a difference in opinions. 

which is OK, because we're older. remember?

so lets all do our fellow-equally as human-beings a favor 

lets toss this sentence from our vocab. 

because lets get real here, we all understand. 

thats the beauty of the human mind, it is capable of "getting it".

there is an exception to this rule, however!

men will never understand women's emotions

women will never understand men's desire to hunt.

(no? just me again? ok cool.)

side note: if your new life stage did come with a know-it-all-key, 

please share the wealth, because im still trying to figure out this quarter life crisis.

finding it

finding passion is something that i've been struggling with since, well, probably college.

i love a lot of things: family, friends

my boyfriend, my puppies, violet, ADPi

clothes/shoes/designer handbags/jewelry, interior design, writing, helping people,etc

but what am i truly passionate about? If i knew that, i'd be able to sleep a lot better at night.

what is passion? noun \ˈpa-shən\: a strong feeling of enthusiasm for something or about doing something

who has passion? if you know someone, point them in my direction; i'd love to ask how they found it!

do i have to have passion to live happily? i believe so, which is why its so important to me to find it

is passion developed or is it an instant feeling? TBD

without passion, will i still succeed? TBD again.

i recently (as in this week) accepted a promotion at work, and to be honest had a hard time.

i've been thinking/talking about this potential position for a long time,

but never really considered it.

When it was finally offered to me, a million questions popped in to my head.

do i love what i do? does anyone really LOVE banking?

do i want to do this forever? do i really want to do any job forever?

do i get any personal reward from this job? isn't my paycheck enough?

would i be happier doing something else? what is that something else?

in the end, what it comes down to is that this is my job.

its just a job.

i have placed so much pressure on myself to find the perfect career path.

the one that i feel good about doing, the one that pays well

the one that advances quickly,

the one that "never feels like you're working a day in your life"

(thanks, dad, for the advice. it ultimately put an unreasonably high expectation on my future career goals).

So what i've concluded is that i really should be putting pressure on myself
to find the passion outside of my career.
My job can be just that, a job.
my life, however, needs to be filled with love and passion and committment.
I'm determined to find passion in everything that i do from now on.

twenty six.

I thought that things were supposed to slow down as you got older?
No more running around like crazy,
parties and overscheduling is a thing of the past.
well not this old lady.
26 has kept me on my toes so far!

This past month has been a very exciting one!
If the rest of my late twenties continues this way,
it will be a very exciting 1/2 of a decade.

One of my closest friends here in Atlanta and I
decided to put our talents/passions/excellent teamwork to use
and start our very own interior design/decorating company.
Along with this has come a couple of long nights
a whole lot of hours spent shopping
money forked out up front
1 almost completed project and hopefully very soon
1 very happy first official "W.A. Interiors" client!
We will soon be launching an online product store
filled with vintage and repurposed finds
(Don't worry, i'll be posting it everywhere for you to see when it happens).

This, of course, is a side job/free lance/spend all of our spare time venture for now.
But who knows later on down the road?
I am learning to rely on God's perfect plan and not worry too much about the future.
This is a very hard lesson to learn, in case you were wondering.

On to the next very exciting thing--
just a few days short of my 26th birthday
I woke up to the most amazing text message I've ever received.
For once, I didnt care that my phone beeped 3 mins before my alarm was set to go off!
My best friend and her husband set out on a journey to expand their family a couple of years ago.
After a lot of trials and tribulations,
a perfect baby boy was born and papers were signed.
This 7lb7oz 5-fingered 5-toed baby was adopted into the most wonderful family.
I fell instantly in love the second I found out about him,
and fell even harder the first time I got to hold him.
I have prayed (along with a lot of other people) for this baby for a long time.
I am ecstatic that the newest love of my life is here,
and perfect as can be.

I spent 26 celebrating in a completely different way than I did 25.
25 left me with a hangover so intense that it was hard to imagine living the next day.
26 was spent calmly gathered with a couple of friends at my house,
and then continued with my favorite mountain man,
in a mountain house located in the middle of Georgia
(where we thought there was a mountain.)
(there was no mountain. only foothills.)

We ate at restaurants, filled with traditions and locals and amazing southern food.
We slept in a gorgeous log cabin,
with nothing surrounding us but trees and gorgeous views.
We enjoyed a high school football game, where we know noone who attends high school.
I made Charles' favorite breakfast, captn crunch french toast.

It was an all around perfect birthday.
i was reminded all day long of how blessed I am to see 26
and have so many friends and family to celebrate with me.

This weekend I will be traveling back to the big town of Sumter,
where i will reunite with so many hometown friends
to celebrate one of our very favorite friends who passed away last year.
I am excited to see everyone,
and have a great time remembering such a sweet guy
I miss Keith tremendously,
and I am reminded of it everytime i see my high school friends.
There is a very important part of us missing,
and this weekend we will do our best to celebrate that piece of the puzzle.

In other exciting (aka exhausting) news,
i'm in the process of (hopefully!) buying a car.
Car shopping should be fun.
I am quickly learning that it is not.
Not at all.
I hate banks (even though I work for one).
I hate dealerships (even though they have what I want).
I hate carfaxes and VIN numbers. Emissions tests and gas mileage.
I hate it all.
My 3rd grade teacher, Ms. Buck, said we'd have flying cars by now.
Ms. Buck was a liar.

where's my magic 8 ball?

growing up I was taught:
"you can be anything we wanted to be!"
"the world is your oyster!"
"the sky is the limit!"
but now the time has come,
where I am supposed to know exactly
what that thing is that I want to be.
and I dont.

at first, I thought I was probably the only one.
but the more and more I have researched and looked in to this
phenomenon of millennials who are displaced, underemployed and unhappy;
the more I realize that im not alone in this mess.
turns out, that "sky is the limit" philosophy really did us 20-somethings a disservice!
too much opportunity can be a bad thing, or so im learning!

so what do you do when you have no idea what you want to do?
do you stick it out in a place that you know you dont want to be long term,
for the stability and comfort that comes along with the mundaneness?
do you drop everything and reinvent you life on a whim and pray that it works out?
or do you do like me, and try just about everything you can think of to put off growing up?

im afraid that the longer i take to figure this out, the worse off i'll be. 
3 years ago, I moved to atlanta on a leap of faith.
I lived with a friend/sorority sister, Natalie, who spent the year really soul searching.
she went from having an English degree and a less than mediocre job, to contemplating law school
(yes, Law & Order SVU may or may not have had something to do with this.)
in the end, Natalie left Atlanta after a year to get her masters degree and now has her dream job.
All the while, I am in the exact same place that I was when she left me 2 years ago.
Same job, same roommate, same town, same salary, same car.
I am no more ahead in my career than I was when she moved away.
I am no younger than I was then,
I am no more wealthy than I was then,
I am definitely no closer to figuring out what I want to be when I grow up than I was then.

how do people figure out what they want to be?

Do you all have a little magic 8 ball that tells you?
Did you hear it straight from God's voice?
Did your parents force you to be teachers, doctors, digital marketing agents? Did that epic game of M*A*S*H really pan out for you?
And if so, where is my damn magic 8 ball and calling from God? with my 26th birthday quickly approaching, I am realizing that I am not getting any younger
the longer I sit around and wait for my life's calling to fall in my lap.
So I take a chance, right?  And if all else fails, I move in with my parents and
live out of their fridge for a while until I figure it out. Right?
My mom has always told me "you'll never be homeless". So why not do this now?
because I'm too comfortable, thats why. Someone please fire me so that I don't have a choice but to take a chance.

viva!

I spent this past weekend on a super short trip to vegas with my family! being that my dad, stepmom and younger brother live in japan it is difficult for us to get together often. in fact, its impossible. so we do it about once a year.  this little reunion normally takes place in hawaii (one of my very favorite spots) but this year, due to scheduling conflicts and the realities of a big girl job, we had to settle for vegas. which is fine with me, because i am a HUGE fan of vegas. 

growing up in Las Vegas had its perks- amazing amusement parks/water parks/attractions, always something to do and it was so fun to climb to the top of the hill at the park and watch all of the lights turn on downtown from my Sunrise Mountain house. My mom was a blackjack dealer at the Golden Nugget, so i'm partial to "old vegas" (freemont street area) and i reccommend that anyone to hang out around there if you're visiting. its where the locals are, so much culture, where all of the movies/tv shows are filmed and its my childhood.  i could spend hours under the freemont street experience, watching the light shows and more importantly watching the people. 

This trip was spent in "new vegas". right in the middle of the Strip.  my brother and cousin flew in from LA and we all met up at the hotel.  we gambled, ate nice dinners, walked, hung around the pool party, gambled more, walked even more, attempted to see a ke$ha concert, went to the pool again, ate a lot more and then the last day was spent enjoying my favorite past time- shopping with my step mom!  that woman can spend hours in a mall, as can I.

                                     

i loved every second of my weekend, even if that meant leaving on a red eye flight, not returning to atlanta until 6:30 am and driving straight from the airport to my office for a full work day! it was totally worth the jetlag, the exhaustion, the aching feet, the money, the awkward step-mom-is-trying-to-give-me-the-sex-talk converstaion and yes, even the extra pounds (all you can eat buffets. woof)

it was the first visit with Courtney since 2009 spring break, my younger brother grows a foot taller every year that passes, and my dad gets funnier and funnier each time i see him.  i am so blessed to finally have found the relationship with my dad that i always wanted growing up.  i would give anything for them to live closer (the US would be great!) but until then, i will settle for summer vacations.